Some people do not understand why I haven’t been cartwheeling around in the lead up to our getaway. I am excited don’t get me wrong- But I’m crippling anxious too. Being in a different country to the boys does weird things to me. We are currently at the airport- flight delayed while I am writing this.
I am usually the most laid back person. Nothing really phased me. But since becoming a mum all has changed. I realise now what could go wrong. I always am aware of what could go wrong. If I don’t come back they have no mum. That’s how I think. Dramatic ain’t it? And the physical distance I am away from them gives me palpitations. I can’t think about it.
In the lead up to going away I was a mixed bag of emotions. Just as I had packed my suitcase I’d packed a bag of emotions and lodged it firmly in my stomach. It weighed me down for over a week and actually made me a bit ill. Looking forward to spending quality time with my husband was in there . Guilt was in there. Worry was in there. Organisational lists were in there. Dread was in there. It crashed and bubbled around in my tummy and won’t leave until I return and unpack it. The last time we were away from the boys for a few nights I was actually sick when I got there. I got over it and had a lovely time and this time I will too.
What I’m trying to say is that maybe my Instagram gives the impression that I am uber confident and have my shit together. I don’t. I suffer from this anxiousness that makes me doubt myself, my decisions and ultimately sometimes affects my day to day. I KNOW the boys are totally fine. And I KNOW we deserve this break and some alone time. I KNOW there is not much to worry about. But it doesn’t matter. Feeling anxious will be part of my life from now on. And that’s ok.
And then I get anxious that this new anxious Annie is not what my husband signed up for nearly 5 years ago on our wedding day. The fun-loving girl of old is a little bit distant these days. He assures me he understands and loves me more than ever- so I’ll take that. He worries too of course about those boys. This isn’t just a Mum thing. And we both can’t wait to get home to our nest. Our happiest when we are all together.
So my plane is delayed and I’m watching all these kids running around, missing my own. It’s such an odd feeling of wanting to go but not wanting to at the same time. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Wine will help, of course. We will have loads of fun. But something’s missing. And they go by the name of Eden and Xander.