As a parent you will…
As a parent you will do these things, some even though you thought you wouldn’t.
1) Blame your kids behaviour on teething. Sometimes kids are just little shits. My kids have had more new teeth than the whole of the TOWIE cast. “He’s teething” I say to the woman at the checkout looking at me pityingly while I swing the trolley back and fourth to try and stop the tears. He’s probably just grumpy or hungry, but I don’t know, so I blame teething.
2) Negotiate with chocolate and sweets. If you have just one more mouthful of your nutritious dinner you can have this whole bag of sweets. Makes perfect sense at the time.
3) Get annoyed at baby gear. Car seats. High chairs. Nothing ever works like it’s supposed to. Straps. Fuck straps. Always twisting. Like my back ironically.
4) End up falling asleep with your children at 7pm and wake up bleary eyed around 11pm having missed your only chance for a bit of free time and peace by being asleep.
5) Sing along to your children’s favourite show theme tune. And recite the whole of season 1. And maybe 2 and 3. You will probably continue watching it whilst they’ve long left the room too. You NEED to know if Ryder and Chase fixed the lighthouse and saved the boats.
6) Following on from number 5 get theme tune or nursery rhyme stuck in your head on repeat for days/ weeks on end. Nothing is as catchy as that one about the turtle and swimming in the bath tub and eating soap and water. Bubble, Bubble, POP.
7) Go to toilet with an audience. Entertaining your child with a loo roll is acceptable to get this life necessity done.
8) Try and keep them awake. Late afternoon naps are disastrous. You will spend your life hoping they will sleep, hoping they will wake up and hoping they will not sleep. It’s so confusing.
9) Entertain your baby with inanimate objects. See loo roll above, but also mascara, pack of baby wipes, nappy (clean- sometimes) who needs toys- use whatever you have to hand. Phone. Always phone.
10) Always be on the lookout for storage solutions. Ikea is your friend. Storage of toys is a constant battle that you will persistently lose. January in Ikea is full of parents measuring to see if that cabinet will fit in the corner of the lounge and hide a few toys. Put a couple of photos on top and some flowers and bobs your uncle.
11) Never be on time. Expect and Accept you are late. Even if you get ready the night before. You will be late or rushing.
12) Swear under your breath at least twenty times a day.
13) You only shop for them. You go out for yourself and MAY return with something but you have half a dozen things for them! Never have anything to eat in the house but loads of toddler snacks and baby milk.
14) You will have a new found respect for your own parents.
15) You will fall asleep 20 mins into your alone time in the evening and your T.V programmes will take 4 weeks to watch for this reason. But you are up to date with Paw Patrol.
Wouldn’t change it though, right?