To my mum.
I know. I now know. I knew you loved me, but now having my own children I know what that means. It means my heartbreak is your heartbreak, my success is your success, my worry is your worry. I understand that love so huge. I understand how and why you would put me and my sister before yourself time and time again despite us encouraging you not to.
Taxing us around to all our various hobbies, giving up your evening and weekends to dancing and horse riding. I will do it too. Asking us to text/call/give three rings so you knew we were safe. I will ask the same of my boys. Always open ready to listen and help us, I hope I can do that too. When you came out to my, now husbands, car when he picked me up for our first date- I get it. Annoying at the time- but even though I was 22 I was still your little girl and you needed to check who this boy with sunglasses, ripped jeans and spiked hair was. You needn’t have worried mum- you gave me high standards.
I understand that fierce protection you always had for us. What do you MEAN Emma will be playing a tree in the dance show? A TREE?! I was the best bloody tree you’d ever laid eyes on because I had you. I understand that ridiculous sense of pride at the smallest of accomplishments. I understand why you wanted to keep the house tidy and clean for us to come home to. I know as a Mum you need organisation amongst the chaos of family life. I should have cooperated and just put my bloody shoes away.
I know how much it must of hurt when as a teenager I screamed “I hate you”. Dreading this day in my own future. How could I say that? It was probably over not being allowed to do something stupid or dangerous. You must of wanted to wrap me in cotton wool and never let me leave the house. But you got it right Mum. You got the balance between letting me find my way and do my own thing but also guiding me and not letting me die in the process. Please teach me how to get this balance with my boys. It’s so hard! You made it look easy, natural, but I now know it really really wasn’t.
I’m still new to this. You’ve been a Mum for 32 years. And I still don’t always listen to you. I should. I should do more of this. But you made me stubborn and want to figure things out for myself. “Try him on slower teats Emma”, “Nah he’s ok.” *Two weeks later- goes out and buys slower teats*
And now with your new title of Nanny (too cool for Grandma) we actually couldn’t live without you. My babies adore you. And they are going to grow so well with you as their Nanny. How great and cool Eden is we owe a lot to you. His partner in crime, his teacher, feeder (I forgive you all the sweets), dance partner, cuddle giver, nurse and hotel manager. All the things you were for me, you are now for him. Except more lenient. That’s what Nanny is for right?
Always there day or night, except when your phones on silent. Always ready to help. Always willing to share a bottle of wine. Always offering advice- whether I take it or not. Always loving us no matter what. Always planning great memories for us. Always keeping us check. Always showing us what family means. Our beautiful Mum. Always.